R U OK?

It’s RUOK day today. How many of us are really okay? How many people fake it till they make it? How many of you out there that are suffering in silence. Is it because you feel ashamed? Embarrassed?

I was one of those people many years ago. Always bottling everything in and eventually snapping. It isn’t okay to do this. Please don’t suffer in silence like I did.

Until I had Alexander I was diagnosed with Post Natal Depression. It wasn’t a surprise to me when this happened. I have been having episodes for years. When I had Ben it really struck me so bad that some days I felt like I couldn’t go on. Suicide thoughts never crossed my mind but I always thought that my family was better off without a mum who didn’t have a mental illness.

Almost a year has passed since I started my medication. I’m not perfect but I am handling my day to day life so much better. For many years I refused it because I thought taking medication made you insane (queue institution movies).

Things have improved I have “accepted” myself with my flaws. It hasn’t been easy being a mum with PND and anxiety. Recently I got some news that someone very close to me has their cancer back. I believe if I wasn’t taking medication I wouldn’t be able to handle this new challenge in my life.

Therapy and medication have truly changed my outlook on life. I am thankful for the people I have met and the support I still receive. Sending love to all those suffering in silence or not 💕💕💕

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The Working Mum

I’ve been back at work for 2 months now. The verdict? I bloody love it!

Dont get me wrong I get the occasional mum guilt when my babies cry when I leave the house in the morning. Especially boo boo he gets very anxious when he cannot see me.

I believe the key is balance. Part time mum part time job. At the end of my working day I am still exhausted but it’s a different kind of tiredness. When I drive home I leave all the drama behind and there isn’t much I work as a beauty therapist in a spa environment I’m there to help people relax! The atmosphere is chilled (for the client) but it’s also very fast paced and I’m on my feet for up to 10 hours.

I had to start a brand new job as my position at my last job got made redundant. I get anxiety meeting new people and trying to fit in with the “crew”. So far it’s pretty good as it has it’s pros and cons…. As all jobs do!

I use to be so envious of David (my hubby) as he went off to work for the day to leave me behind to keep up with two little rascals. Now I to feel like I contribute to our family.

Days like today it makes me look forward to my working day! I just feel like I “belong” at work. Some days I don’t feel like I’m cut out to be a mum. Maybe I’m being dramatic but I honestly am enjoying being back at work.

if you’re anything like me and feel like being a mum 24/7 is getting the better of you then I suggest getting back into the work force. Even if it is just one day a week. It has really improved my mood as a mum and has taken some of the financial pressure off David.

Peace ✌🏻️

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The tidal wave of emotions

One day I feel like I’m on top of the world, the next I am hit with the worst news possible and my anxiety goes nuts. I am not ready to share what is going on in my family’s life as of yet. It’s pretty personal.

I just don’t understand why life is so full on. I need a pause button. Why are we constantly hit with challenges? I know I must sound like a negative nancy but when you are hit with so much shit in your life how do you keep bouncing back?

People who know me know I’m a pretty straight forward person but also a very kind person. I always put others first. I hardly think about myself. I did say I was going to be more selfish but to be honest it really hasn’t happened. Something just keeps stopping me… And this time it really has smacked me in the face big time. I am a emotional mess. Reminds me of the beginning days when Ben was first born. I have no appetite no energy no excitement for life anymore. I just couldn’t give a fuck anymore. Why bother? Why keep trying?

I’m not in a good place at the moment, I’m definitely sinking. Hopefully when you hear from me next I’m in a better place.

Til then peace out X

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Nothing but the truth so help me god

imageYes I am a mum of two healthy boys two years apart… yes I am the biggest I have been in my whole life…. Yes I am on medication for my depression…. Yes I wear a scarf because I have alopecia…. Yes I am self conscious…. Yes I struggle daily to be a mum…. Yes I fight with my husband … And yes I’m being brutally honest. Right now I am working on my mental health. I have had depression on and off for many years. I have struggled. I’ve had a breakdown, I went to hospital and I take medication every night to get to sleep. Does that make me a bad mum because my hubby is the one who gets up to the kids because I’m basically knocked out. Maybe? I suffer from anxiety and have a short fuse. I’m working on it. I’m finally working on me. Physically I may not look the most attractive anymore but this is the year I’m working on me. There will be plenty of other times to get back to a size 10. Right now I matter, my children need their mother, my husband needs his wife back. It’s been a very long and hard road but every day I get stronger. I have no choice but to be strong. I live for my kids. To see them smile makes me so happy. But what about my own happiness? Don’t I deserve to be happy aswell? Or am I beng selfish? Am I a “bad” mum because I am on the verge of tears from my internal battle? I want my kids to see my fun loving side, it doesn’t come out much as I’m to focused on the negative. Do they deserve the outbursts? The tears? The mood swings? I can’t answer this yet. My journey to recovery is still going. Until then my family will have to accept me as me. The craziness the ugliness the bald mum and now the overweight mum. I’m working on it.

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the never ending story…

Pre kids – you’re having a rough day at work, your boss is being a asshole and you got a massive headache. The phone hasn’t stopped ringing and you’re stressed youre not going to make that deadline. You look up at the clock 3pm thank god it’s only two hours to go. You finally come home take that relaxing shower and drink your wine and curl up in bed and enjoy a un interrupted sleep! How delightful the good old days….

Post kids – Everyday is ground hog day. You wake up to two kids calling out for you, but your busting for a pee instead you tend to your kids. As always both have greeted you with a shit. Morning mum! I want my toast and I want it now! To bad if you need to pee, you can wait still. Your day is hectic your constantly on your feet. Your up and down trying to settle your teething monster while your toddler decides to help himself to fridge and make a massive mess when your not looking.

To sum it all up – you are screwed! There isn’t a clock off time. You are a mum which means it’s not a full time job with benefits. It’s 24 bloody 7! You don’t get sick days, you don’t get holidays. You don’t get paid – well if you count wee, poo and vomit then yeah you do! It’s hard. You are sleep deprived. You are stressed out. Some days you want to bolt and some days you drink a bottle of wine.

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Parenthood sure does come with its challenges. This past week has been harder than ever. I have been on breaking point all week and poor hubby has coped a ear full. Through the shit storm (literally Ben has had diarreah for 4 days straight) and the toddler meltdowns (I hate you batman) this to shall pass. I have said this before in another post but I am reminding myself that not every day these kids of mine will be hard. I won’t be able to cuddle them and give them a kiss every night. They will grow up. They will have their own lives one day. I will look back on these shit days and have a laugh (I hope).

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Breaking Point…

There is moments in my day when I think… “I’m just going to snap” and sometimes I do! I love my kids to the moon and back but lets be honest here its not always happy smiling pics all day! I do regularly post pictures of my kids in happy moments because I want to look back and smile and see that it wasn’t all shit! (literally)

Benjamin has recently hit 6 months, and boy if I thought he was demanding before he is so much harder now! He has always been a “high needs” baby. And I swear to god he tantrums already. Some days I rather my 2 year old to have a tanty because its over quicker than his! I know he is learning to hear his own voice and boy is it loud especially when he high pitch sequels (not for fun) because I’ve walked away for a moment to get more food as apparently 4 servings of packet food didn’t quite hit the spot for him!

My anxiety goes through the roof! thoughts flood my mind such as “youre doing a shit job” “you dont know your baby” “see you cant even handle your baby when you even get a break”.

I feel super guilty because I need time out from all the crap thats been going on and usually when its time to hand over the baby im excited as! But I also dread the week especially when my husband is on late shift for 3 weeks straight. I know other mums dont have that family support and I am SUPER lucky and forever grateful.

Why does mothering have to be such a tough gig? Or is my expectations to high? You have to be on your A game 24/7! Sometimes you cant even pee in peace because you know if you walk away just for a second your baby will scream bloody murder. God forbid if you get sick for a day…. there is no sick days not for another 18 years!

Is it meant to test you as a person? Because some days its all to much. This could be my PND talking but I know im not alone in thinking in this. I hope this all works out in the end. I am trying to lead a more positive life but I always find that something is holding me back. I hope my children grow up and be proud of me and hopefully forget the days when Im crying my eyes out or having a tantrum myself!

Cheers to the next 18 years! We need a lot of wine, chocolate and coffee to get us through to the end!!!

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My smiles through my tears

I don’t often talk about this subject. It is very personal and just the sheer thought it sends me into tears… I don’t want a pity party…. I just feel it’s time to talk about this Taboo subject that I hold closely to my heart.

ALOFUCKINGPECIA also known as ALOPECIA

If you don’t know what that is just google it and I’m sure you would be horrified if this was happening to you! 

Well it did happen to me, aged 13. Just starting high school, I vaguely remember it starting as it just happened so quickly. One minute I’m excited about starting high school and the next minute all I could think about just how ugly I am. Becoming a teenager is awkward enough but starting a high school with hardly anyone knowing who you are let alone trying to hide this secret. 

I have always been a shy person from memory. But when this evil started happening I was totally an introvert. I couldn’t look anyone in the eyes. I have vague memories of it starting but when it did become so bad and it was starting to become noticeable I had to tell a few of my friends in my group. They balled their eyes out. I was gutted. I didn’t want to be different. I just wanted to fit in and now I was carrying this secret around all the time. When I go back to those early days my heart truly breaks. It was an awful awful time. I hated myself. Every time I looked in the mirror thoughts came up “you don’t deserve friends” “no one will truly love you” “if you just had hair then you would be happy”.

My self-esteem was fucked. At this point I had lost half of my hair (year 8) and was having to wear a bandana or thick headband to cover up the massive bold patches at the back of my head. I couldn’t join in the conversations when people spoke about their hair or go to slumber parties people were having because I was petrified someone was going to find out. I hated life. I had a few close friends at the time who knew about it so they understood why I declined to go these parties and made a 1000 excuses why I couldn’t come. People thought I was a snob but they didn’t know deep down that I just wanted to be accepted.

Year 9 – my hair started to grow back but was falling out at the same time. I started to get more confidence and met some really lovely friends who didn’t care if I had hair on my head. I was a pro at hiding it by now. I would attend to parties and get drunk as you do at age 15 lol. Heck I even had a boyfriend. I don’t think he knew about it but if he did he sure was polite and never told me to my face. I had camp that year. I didn’t DARE jump in the swimming pool. I missed out on having fun with friends. 

Year 10 – My hair was pretty good then. I don’t have much bad memories except this one time in youth group when this dickhead decided to be funny and pull my beanie off my head and reveal to a whole room of people that I was missing half my head of hair. It was my fault really I was dying to put my hair in pigtails and I thought I could hide the massive bold patches at the back of my head by wearing a beanie. I died a little bit more inside that day. and I believe in Karma and I hope it gets you one day!

Year 11/12 and onwards – My hair was excellent! and when I say this I mean I only had a few bold patches here and there. Life was good. I was happy! I still couldn’t tie my hair up. But at least I looked semi normal – right? I partied and danced I had a good time. Depression was always lingering but I was invincible.

My early 20’s – this is when shit really hit the fan. I remember getting my hair dyed blonde and the hair dresser noticing a few spots in my head. “what the fuck you talking about?’ I was so angry. I thought I had beat this shitty shitty disease. But no being alopecia it is unpredictable and can strike at any time! the hairdresser tried to convince me not to do anything to my hair. she was probably shit scared I was going to sue her. Whatever bitch peroxide the shit out of my hair. I did this 3 times and finally achieved that white blonde look I wanted. Blondes have more fun right? well I was until these few bald patches decided to rapidly grow bigger and bigger and with no sign of hair returning. Oh it will come back I said to myself, it always does. You can hide it. WRONG! so so soooooo wrong!

At the age of 22 I was completely bald. two years later it decided to take my eyebrows and lashes. anything else asshole? take my fucking self-esteem as well and my life whole you’re at it. I quit my job and hid for a year. Lost contact with most people and decided that crying my eyes out every chance I had grieving the loss of my hair and my life completely. Who am I? Who is this weird looking alien staring at me in the mirror? Lucky for me I had a really supportive boyfriend and slowly but surely he got me to “accept” my condition and get on with life.

Well clearly I have. I’m now 28 married with two little boys. It hasn’t stopped me from making a life. Not sure what quality of life I truly have but it’s something. 

The thing about Alopecia you can’t really hide it! Its right out there in the open for the whole public to see. Unless you are a hermit then that’s how you can hide from it. when someone knocks on my door I sprint to my room and grab my hat/scarf/beanie. I will never let anyone see me unless it’s my family. Not many people have seen me without my hair on. People do know. I’m open about it if people ask but how do you bring it up when you met someone new. “hi im rhonda and I have alopecia” righto! you don’t so people just don’t talk about it in front me (probably behind my back) and forever think oh she has CANCER!

I can never just leave the house and tie my hair up. It’s a process I got to put my wig on then comb it to make sure it’s acceptable looking. Pencil in my eyebrows because I don’t have any and pop some eyeliner on to make sure I look human. After all, how many times a day do you see someone with no hair? Most likely NEVER. it is not NORMAL. And I will never lead a NORMAL life.

I have had this condition for 15 years now… when is it going to stop? it is torture to my soul. And just when I think I’m okay something triggers off my anxiety/depression and I’m back to that scared little 13 year old girl. I am fragile but I am strong! 

The next time you see a mum of two walking her children around without a wig on please don’t judge me. I surely don’t judge you. I just want to fit in and be like the other mums. Maybe one day I will wear nothing but myself (not naked self).

No scarf No Wig Just Me.

Best baby toys a mum can buy!

 

No this isn’t going to be your typical list of what to buy for your newborn. This list is a bunch of essential things your babies need. “Uh what you say??” Just keep reading 😚

Don’t worry you don’t need to fork out your wallet at all for my top “necessities”

Your face – children just want your attention at the end of the day. You can throw a thousand toys on the floor to distract them but they just need you. Ben loves it when I poke my tongue out or make funny faces at him. It even gets me in a really good mood especially if I can achieve a giggle!
your fingers – move over teething toys and rusks! I literally just give Ben my fingers to explore when he sits on my lap. He could chew on them for days! Bonus tip – use hand gestures when singing songs like twinkle twinkle ❤️ (My favourite)
your voice – If your anything like me and can’t sing to save your life then awesome! I make songs up all the time with my kids. We have songs for brushing teeth, bath time and cleaning up! My two year old sings them to himself. Super adorable!
contents of your purse – all baby safe obviously! Both my kids are obsessed with my glasses and keys. Who needs baby rattles?
the remote – xander as a baby would sit entertained for hours just loving pressing buttons and changing channels. Just make sure they don’t change the settings in another language- then you’re screwed!
your phone – not so you can ignore them lol! Before Ben was born I use to lay in bed with xander and show him pictures and videos of himself. He seriously still loves watching himself especially if I caught him in the act of doing something cheeky!
Plastic bottles – what is it with babies and bottles? Ben loves to chase it around the room. Even better put pasta (not cooked) inside and it becomes a shaker!
Shoes – especially thongs! Kids find it hilarious to wear your grown up shoes. Puts me in stitches when Xander wears David’s shoes and walks around the house – looks like a clown 😂
Some of these points might sound obvious but people are so caught up on what trends are out in baby toys that basic stuff is looked over. After having two kids it really has opened my eyes that my two boys are happiest when mummy is on the floor playing with them. Reading, wrestling, going down slides, throwing balls etc. No toy can replace a relationship that you can have.

Don’t get me wrong… I still believe it’s about balance and there will be times in your day when you are glad that Sophie the giraffe was invented to relieve your fingers !

😘😘😘

 

My ways of Coping with PND & Anxiety

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I’ve been meaning to write this post for a while, and especially after a hectic month I really need to dig deep and remember how far I have come on this journey.

Yesterday I had a mini break down, Aunt flow came to town (lol) and made me SUPER emotional. I had a massive argument with my hubby, I had enough of being a mum and being shat on and spewed on and being a 24/7 service! Especially being so sleep deprived for the week I should of just ridden that day off. But instead I chose to let the negative feelings come over me. I screamed, I yelled, I threw things across the room, I cried Hysterically for hours and then I was just sad for hours. I am beyond sick of these “episodes”. I am however recognising that my behaviour was uncalled for and unfortunately I am not a toddler who can throw a tantrum and get away with it!

Today is a new day. I got some sleep last night, some help and had a mini break to myself.

Life doesn’t stop, it would be lovely if it gave as a moment. It never ends over here… bills, arguments, sleep disturbances, tantrums, sick children, sick parents, depression episodes, anxiety attacks, unsettled baby, social life, house duties, taking care of the kids and maybe even taking care of yourself every now and then.

Here are a list of things that help keep me sane:

  1. MOVE – I’m not saying start a gym membership I’m meaning put your kids in the pram chuck on your active wear and get out of the house. Walk to the park or even better walk to your local store and pick up some ingredients for dinner. Change of scenery helps my kids and it really helps me to get my mind off my messy house!
  2. PHONE A FRIEND – Everyone texts or facebook messages these days. Why doesn’t anyone pick up the phone to call a loved one? If I am having a really crappy day I call my sister, my mum or even my hubby. They might not give amazing advice but they always listen.
  3. PLAN AHEAD – Nothing makes me more happy than to know what my week ahead is going to be. This could mean what meals are going to be cooked this week, projects I am aiming to finish, play dates to keep everyone happy, pedicures or massages to have and even better yet when the children can be minded for a sleep in or day to myself.
  4. BEST FRIEND CHECK – This is one of my favourites. If you are really having a crappy day and your best mate called you asking for advice, what would you say? I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t tell her she is a terrible mum, you would say “You are doing the best you can in this situation”. It puts things into perspective. We really are our own harshest critics!
  5. KEEP BUSY – I love to be a busy bee. Keep your hands busy. It could be colouring in, baking, playing with your kids etc But don’t over do it! I always have moments in my day where I just sit and relax, have a cuppa and watch my boys interact.
  6. EXPECTATIONS – People are really unrealiable these days. People make plans but shit happens and they cancel last minute. Dont get worked up! Accept it and move on! Think of it as a “free” day. Some days are just the best when you dont go out, dont get out of your pjs and neither do the kids. Chill and movie day!
  7. MEDITATE – This is also a good one. If you are a early riser do some yoga or breathing exercises first thing in the morning or at night. I must admit I find it harder to do it in the morning because I wake up to my kids crying for food or singing very loudly to them self!  If you can before you attend to your kids. Put the Kettle on, Go to the toilet and at least start your breakfast. I like to have my morning coffee while giving Ben a bottle and Xander eats his toast. Quick and easy! And when there settled you can make yourself breakfast in peace!

After all you are not a tree If you are unhappy move! I can’t trade my kids in when their having a terrible day but I can accept the situation as it is and reboot and do it all again tomorrow!

I hope this helps at least one person 🙂

 

My Reality

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PND has been my kryptonight but also my saviour.

Why you ask? Well it has forced me to take a big look at myself. It has opened my eyes up to the bigger picture in life. What matters most. People come and go, life events good or bad make who you are. Children open up your wounds. They push all of your emotional buttons. There is no escaping it.

I have been a mother for almost 3 years. It is the most challenging thing to date I have ever been put through. People post pictures of happy times and most neglect to upload the shit times, true right?

I am realistic.

Motherhood = vomit stained clothes, poo under your fingernails, bags on top of bags and crumbs and mess all over your house. All mothers can’t keep their shit together and at some point we will snap. And if you haven’t well you are extremely blessed. I don’t deny it. Fuck expectations! We are pressured to go back to work, be a perfect house wife, never to yell at our kids.

Life is obviously going to be like a roller coaster. But you can choose when you want to get off and on.

Just do you. We only have one life. Make the most of it.